I’ve struggled with anxiety for years now. When major life changes occur it flares up in more real ways that can effect me on a regular basis. The interesting part though, is the lack of change, the feeling of stagnation in my life causes a different type of anxiety. My days range from good to bad to worse. I’m very high functioning so my good days are the majority of the time with my work days only being 1-2% of the time. Moving has increased my bad days as I worry about making sure all the tickets are taken care of, we do have all the stuff we need for the visa process, etc. As we get down to our final weeks until moving, this is my general experience:
On a good day I wake up exhausted, snooze my alarm then stumble to the bathroom and dress. I drink cold water and tea to try and wake up. I teach my classes with a smile. Watch a show. If I interact with a stranger or an unfamiliar acquaintance at the end I think “Well, that wasn’t so bad.” If I make a mistake I breathe a sigh and move on or only worry over it for at the most 10 minutes. I interact with others with ease and enjoy myself.
On a bad day I wake up exhausted but usually can’t sleep any longer. My body is worried I’ll be late to work which is 10 ft away. I drink cold water, but hold off on the tea. If I drink the tea too soon my heart rate will accelerate. I teach my classes sometimes with a real smile, sometimes fake as I anxiously check the clock every few minutes to make sure I’m on schedule. If I interact with a stranger I keep them as short as possible and generally come off as unfriendly and lacking in personality. If I make a mistake my heart rate accelerates and my mind will not stop worrying about it for at least an hour. It tells me I’m a failure and can’t function. I ultimately decide not to interact with others at all when possible. Sometimes I recover by evening time and then suddenly it’s a good day for the last few waking hours.
On the worst days I wake up in a panic from a nightmare. Usually, I am crying. I spend as much of the time before teaching as possible calming down reminding myself whatever I saw is not real. There is not a genuine smile at any point for at least 5-7 hours. I watch a lighthearted TV show to try and distract my mind. I think about all the things I don’t share, the things I worry will cause people to hate me if they knew. I only have 2 people in my life I actually share anything and everything with. I take my anxiety meds, sometimes I try to sleep and hope when I wake up I’ll function again. Once I sat in the shower with the temperature as hot as possible with the hope that the heat would remind me my feelings weren’t real. Perhaps I panic, feeling unable to breathe I sob and collapse unable to move. I try to remember what the therapist said, What was it? Be aware of your feelings? Name three things you can see? What can you see, feel, taste, hear? The panic passes and then I just try to make it through the day until I can sleep. Maybe if I sleep when I wake I will make no more mistakes, people will be kind, and I won’t panic if they aren’t.
Lucy Finally Travels 