Lucy Finally Travels

With delays in selling the house, struggles to raise finances, several vet and doctors appointments to prepare for the move, an issues with the airline that cost us $600, and issues at our hotel and getting to our hotel costing $300, we have finally made it to Germany! We touched down November 26th to protesting tractors in the streets of Berlin.

Yes, tractors. Thousands of tractors were blocking the roads and making it nearly impossible to navigate the streets. I never thought I would leave Missouri (where tractors are everywhere) only to enter Berlin on the day tractors came to town. Our landlord made it an hour late to let us in the apartment due to the heavy traffic. But he made it, the apartment was real, it was there, and we were moved in. Now, what’s next? I decide I should start teaching right away. I got a raise with my job so I’m confident I’ll be able to support us, but… There was a cable break. And now we don’t have internet. Thankfully we have friends already and they welcomed us into their home. I taught there until we could finally get some sort of reliable internet. Though, as my neighbor has lovingly named their internet modem KabelDeutchlandIstLangsam. While all this happened we are here, we are getting involved at a local church, building connections and community. While I love what I have learned culturally there is one major thing I have run into in these 3 weeks that absolutely messes with my midwestern sensibility and that has been the overflowing generosity we have experienced.

Josh and I are squarely in our mid-twenties and every time we have gone out anywhere with our German friends, acquaintances, and even those that we were meeting for the first time, they have paid for our meal, coffee, ice cream, etc. Those we have met have both mastered the art of giving the shirt off their back and it seems at receiving it as well. Anybody from the midwest can tell you that while everyone is often willing to help each other but there is one difference. No one in the midwest and possibly in America is prepared for needing to ask for help with money. While I knew some unexpected expense might come up, I was really not prepared for us to have $900 of it happen at the airport in New York. I wasn’t certain what to do and debated for last 3 weeks on what to do. Finally I gave in and created a GoFundMe to try and Raise even part of that money back. Can I let you in on a secret? It was a nearly physical level of pain I felt. Every time I raise money for anything (this is my 3rd time creating a GoFundMe) it absolutely messes with my mind. I don’t want to do it, I don’t want to share it, I want to run and hide when I create it. I keep thinking “Surely, there is some way I could make this work on my own? Couldn’t we take out a loan? So long as we pay it off by the time I’m 60 that would be fine. Then we wouldn’t have to inconvenience anybody.”

Inconvenience… I’ve heard people talk about convenience culture. We have made so many things convenient. Including getting into debt. I remember I was surprised how easy it was at 19 to sign myself up to take on so much debt. When I graduated I had $24,000 some odd dollars in debt and Josh did too. We walked away from college with debt that still feels insurmountable. But just to not inconvenience, to not even ask, to not even verbally wish in front of another human for help, I have seriously considered adding to a debt we can just afford at the moment. I have tried to turn away sincere generosity and kindness in order to maintain my “American independence”. I worked in a church dealing with financial requests and you of course deal with those who have lost all sense of pride and turn to you for everything, the flip side is that you also get people calling you AFTER they have been kicked out of their home and have no place to go. I always wondered, “Why didn’t you call us sooner? Why did you wait until you were SIX months behind on rent instead of calling us at month 1, 2, or even 3?” But, I understand now, you either ask while there is time or you ask too late. The other frustrating thing is when you have skills that could be used to work, but there are no jobs or you don’t have the language skills to match what is needed. But we are here, so far we are happy, still healthy, and not giving up that we can still make this work. All this is to say that all that is left is to ask. If people can help and our willing they will, if not then we will continue to struggle until we find our way.

If you are interested in helping us out there are 2 ways:

1. gf.me/u/w7pqwi
2. https://www.amazon.de/hz/wishlist/ls/IQ2HDSADQKZ?ref_=wl_shareThe Amazon Wishlist obviously includes some things that are not essential, it’s a Christmas list for family as well, so it includes both things we need and things that would just make us happy on Christmas.

I’ve struggled with anxiety for years now. When major life changes occur it flares up in more real ways that can effect me on a regular basis. The interesting part though, is the lack of change, the feeling of stagnation in my life causes a different type of anxiety. My days range from good to bad to worse. I’m very high functioning so my good days are the majority of the time with my work days only being 1-2% of the time. Moving has increased my bad days as I worry about making sure all the tickets are taken care of, we do have all the stuff we need for the visa process, etc. As we get down to our final weeks until moving, this is my general experience:

On a good day I wake up exhausted, snooze my alarm then stumble to the bathroom and dress. I drink cold water and tea to try and wake up. I teach my classes with a smile. Watch a show. If I interact with a stranger or an unfamiliar acquaintance at the end I think “Well, that wasn’t so bad.” If I make a mistake I breathe a sigh and move on or only worry over it for at the most 10 minutes. I interact with others with ease and enjoy myself.

On a bad day I wake up exhausted but usually can’t sleep any longer. My body is worried I’ll be late to work which is 10 ft away. I drink cold water, but hold off on the tea. If I drink the tea too soon my heart rate will accelerate. I teach my classes sometimes with a real smile, sometimes fake as I anxiously check the clock every few minutes to make sure I’m on schedule. If I interact with a stranger I keep them as short as possible and generally come off as unfriendly and lacking in personality. If I make a mistake my heart rate accelerates and my mind will not stop worrying about it for at least an hour. It tells me I’m a failure and can’t function. I ultimately decide not to interact with others at all when possible. Sometimes I recover by evening time and then suddenly it’s a good day for the last few waking hours.

In the decades that followed, a desire among many Germans to deflect or repress guilt for the Holocaust led to a new form of antipathy toward Jews — a phenomenon that came to be known as ‘secondary anti-Semitism,’ in which Germans resent Jews for reminding them of their guilt, reversing the victim and perpetrator roles. ‘It seems the Germans will never forgive us Auschwitz,’ Hilde Walter, a German-Jewish journalist, was quoted as saying in 1968. NYT – The New German Anti Semitism

I read an article today about the current anti-semitism in Germany. It is different than WW2 at the moment, but similar to the many issues of denial in many countries. In our desire to never feel shame or guilt we always deflect even if it means trying to to turn the real victims into perpetrators to make ourselves feel better. We never address what we did. We need to stop focusing on individual responsibility and focus on group responsibility. When Jews talk about WW2 Germany and how it affected them they are talking about WW2 Germany, not you. When they are talking about about modern day Germany its about Germany as a whole, not you. When a woman talks about rape culture she is talking about over all attitudes, not you. When a POC is talking about systemic racism, troubles with profiling, cops, etc. They are talking about overall, broad strokes. Not you, not your grandpa, your parents, etc. they don’t know them. They just know the world around them. The world where they have to hide their religion, dress a certain way, take a certain path to their car, assume a particular demeanor or attitude, change speech patterns.
When I went to South Dakota I heard from some Lakota who just wanted an official apology an actual “I’m sorry”. And I puzzled over why for so long. Why does it matter if all these people who did do the actual injustice apologize? But I also didn’t see why it would hurt. Now I think I get it. If we today apologize as a group for our groups past failings (whether that be silence or active harm towards them by an ancestor) we acknowledge their pain. We acknowledge that what happened to their ancestors does affect them today. They live in a world where they have been forgotten and ignored. Where we say “just get up and move on”. But its hard to move on when you don’t know where too. Where are the people who accept you? Where are the people who can teach you not to live in hiding? Who will stand up for you when you encounter those who have learned their racism from their parents and grandparents? Things do not change over night. If they did I doubt the Lakota, the Jews, POC, LGBTQ, any marginalized group would ask for an apology. Why? They’d already be on equal footing. Able to enjoy the world as any other human. Instead there is something holding them back. People tell them their concerns are fake while groups of white boys shout slurs a hatred while marching with fire. While their child gets kicked in the back because he dared to mention in passing he’s Jewish, their child is murdered on his way to church cause he was black and the cop didn’t realize he was just holding the lug wrench cause he was about to change his flat tire. I think an apology would do us good. I think we are jumpy cause we know things aren’t even made right in the most basic sense. An apology might be all we can do, but if the apology is sincere we might be able to move on.

When Josh and I first started planning this move I started feeling excited and nauseous. Now I’m sitting here in the airport, missing my dogs and waiting for the first time my foot will touch soil, not from the US. I have 13 hours to write, pray and think. Some people have questioned why we are doing this short-term trip so close to planning to move. Well, the things we do affect others. We originally planned this trip before we planned to move. We felt it was important to mean what we say and follow through on our commitments. I feel we have been rewarded for this. Darek is going to introduce us to some of his friends in Berlin, this provides us with some contacts before we have even officially moved. Secondly, this provides some comfort to our families. They feel better about the fact that we will have at least been to the country first. While Josh and I both feel this trip will not change our minds (Does anyone hate Europe in a week?), we understand this move proves to be a major change and will affect us greatly. Every resource and preparation helps. I think another reason is to solidify our resolve. Already we have pushed our departure date back. We want to make sure we do not lose our drive or commitment. We have watched as people become slowly satisfied with less. They hate their jobs, their homes, etc. yet they continue to live in that exact same situation. We decided we wanted to achieve more.

Honestly, on my own, I am very slow to change. I tend to be overly content in whatever situation I am in. I think that is why Josh has been so good for me. He strives to be more, to do more and that pushes me further. He operates best with a clean home, I do too, but on my own, I would be fine with a larger mess until one day (after it is overwhelming) it hits me and I realize I’m miserable. He makes me notice these things sooner. So here I am, not moving yet, feeling nauseous and excited. The reality hasn’t set in. within 24 hours I will be on the other side of the world. Flying is great because from Chicago, NY, any international airport you can be to Europe in 13 hours. I think that could be the advantage of the horse and buggy and ship days. While I would not want to take that trip at all, I realize one advantage is the time it takes. Coming to grip with the fact I will be in Germany soon is surreal to me. If I were stuck on a boat for weeks my mind would take that reality in smaller steps. Instead, soon I will be flying and in less then a day I will be somewhere thousands of miles away.

For those who have been following me, rest assured I will return. But I will be taking a break this Saturday to enjoy Germany. You all will get my German stories when I get back. But for now, Auf Wiedersehen!

When you pack for your trip, remember your shoes, socks, clothes, etc. But also remember to pack love, kindness, consideration and a friend.

After everything that has happened over the past two years of my life, I am finally here. I’m just getting ready to load up and fly away with Josh. We can’t really stand to just sit still. For me, I’m excited to reach another country. To see the beauty and culture in another part of the world. This has me reflecting back to my high school days. I used to teach English as a second language in the evenings to immigrants. If I’m honest, the moment I stepped into the ELL class at my school as the teacher assistant, my life hit its trajectory then. Then learning to teach ESL in the evenings on top of everything else, my life was set. I couldn’t just stick to the normal American path. At some point, something had to give.

You know, there has been this idea floating around about proving people wrong about you. Back in about 2008, it was: “prove your haters wrong!” The idea that there were people out to bring you down in life. Really, I have found this rarely to be the case. No, the people who have held me back from pursuing my dreams and passions have all been well-meaning. My mother for one is a beautiful woman and while we have many disagreements she has always wanted what is best for me. There were countless times while I was single that I made plans to travel. I even wanted to become essentially a nomadic ESL teacher. I thought of getting certified then going to Japan and China to start with and work my way around the world. She discouraged these plans, not because she didn’t believe I could do it, I think she discouraged it because she would’ve missed me. She also wanted me to be safe. I have always been very independent. I work well in a team only when I feel I have a direct role. This concerned her because she didn’t want me to end up dead somewhere and no one to have even noticed that I had gone missing. She needed to know that someone, wherever I was, would know if I went missing.

I know she still doesn’t like the idea of me moving, but she has more confidence now. I am part of a team. I am married and my husband is always in my court. I think, for her, knowing I have someone who loves me, someone who will miss me, gives her some comfort and peace in this whole adventure.

Here is some advice. If you have actual people discouraging you for hateful reasons, ignore them, they aren’t worth your time. But if someone is apprehensive because they love you, remember, nothing you do happens in a void. You matter to people. What you do does affect them. That isn’t to say, “Don’t follow your dreams” but just to consider how your dreams affect others. I’m the only biological child my mom has, and even more importantly the only child that was hers to raise. I think for her, she wants to know that I am safe. She has accepted the fact that I am leaving the country this time. Why? Because she has some new things to grasp onto. Do you want to travel, but someone who loves you is worried? See about bringing a friend along. Life is richer when shared anyway. When you pack for your trip, remember your shoes, socks, clothes, etc. But also remember to pack love, kindness, consideration and a friend.

After realizing what is needed to learn more I started looking seriously at Seminaries in Germany to attend. I grew up protestant evangelical so I’m actually excited to live in a country where that is the minority. I’m interested to see how a majority Catholic and Lutheran Christian culture has influenced the Protestant evangelical movement. It’s been interesting going from Bible Belt America to Europe before even setting foot over there. Here when I look for Bible colleges or Seminaries they are everywhere with niche denominations and beliefs that influence the very structure of their school. Whereas I have only found one protestant evangelical seminary in Germany through Google. There may be more, just not easily found from America. I was wondering for a time if I could even attend one that was not Catholic or Lutheran and wondered if I would be successful in getting accepted into one if not in those denominations. The one I found embraces their status. They welcome students from every denomination and are still smaller in numbers. This reminded me of what I loved about my high school. It was Christian, but non-denominational. I was exposed to so many different beliefs that I learned more about the basics of what it means to be a Christian then I had ever learned before. Getting to be surrounded by people who held different beliefs, but lived in grace daily was what I loved and missed.

I was well known in my high school, but not many people truly knew me. I was a very confusing outlier. My parents fought constantly but weren’t divorced. I had a step-dad because my real dad had died. I was close to my mom and struggled to relate to kids my own age. I felt like my experiences were normal. After all, that was the only reality I knew, but I learned that other kids my age didn’t know how to respond to those issues. If I talked about my problems I generally ended up with my friend not talking to me at all for the next few months. I know there were other kids who struggled, but I also didn’t know how to relate to them. High school seems to be the age where we all go through the same shit, but no one knows what to do with it. I bring this up because I want you to know that I am under no illusions about what this experience will be like. I will still feel out of place; there will be people who don’t know what to do with me, but I’m okay with that. What I want is for there to be elements that pull us together as a Christian community.  

Josh and I are getting ready to go to Munich and Berlin soon. We are very excited to see what we will learn on this trip. Traveling with our friend from Poland is especially good for us because he always plans trips so we are not awkward Americans. It’s funny. I have never left the country before, but I am very confident in this plan to move. One thing I’ve noticed about Josh and myself is we get stir crazy. We hope living in Europe will be enough of a change that we’ll get to see many places, travel, and live rich lives. I’ll be sure to keep you guys updated on this trip.

I had lost many people in my life before K, but this sensation was new to me. I had lost people in the past that I was close to, but they were Christians. They had faith and I knew this was not the end for them. I knew this was not final. There were even non-Christians I knew who had died, but I didn’t know them well, I felt little responsibility for their choices or how they ended up in that place in life. Practically, I knew I did the best I could at the time, but still, the question plagues, “Could I have done more? Could I have been better?” and the worst question of all, “Did I share my faith enough?” These questions plagued, but nothing could change the anger and confusion underneath the surface. K struggled in life, she had attempted to end her own life many times before and failed. So, here was the rawest and hurting question of all, “Why God did you let her succeed? Why now?” I felt as though a part of me had been cut out. How could I trust that God was good in this?

I maintained my faith, but it was maintained with confusion. Really, to explain how I was able to keep it can best be summed up with a song we had started singing at church just a few weeks before she ended her life. It was called “Do it Again” by Elevation Worship, “Your promise still stands Great is Your faithfulness, I’m still in Your hands This is my confidence, You never failed me yet”. I had to fall back on all the things Jesus had already done for me to get me through. This became my fuel. I wanted that boldness I once had. I never wanted to have to doubt my faith again. I needed to explore my faith in its depths. There was no longer going to be an excuse acceptable to me. I was going to be prepared to give an answer. And if I needed to go to another country, learn another language in order to fuel that depth and desire I was going to do it.

I grew up a Christian, but this faith is mine. I’m responsible for it now. I knew this but I had watched as my fire for it was continually snuffed out by very well-meaning people. Funnily enough, I have found that the greatest adversaries to the spread and acceptance of Christianity are Christians. There are of course extremists who spread hate, but there are even those who block the spread in more subtle ways. We discourage other Christians from going someplace because “it’s dangerous!”, “You have responsibilities here.”, “That isn’t a job.”, or many other statements. And we then treat those who don’t push through those things as just doing what God actually had planned for them. But I wonder if the reality is that we have stopped our own stated mission for selfish reasons. Because I heard the phrase many times, “There is no safer place than where God wants you to be.” I’m realizing this is a lie. It has made our priority and standard safety. If God wants me in a war zone then I have no right to be anywhere else. He died for me with a brutal and painful death. I must be prepared and have that much faith to truly call myself a Christian. Anything less than being that confident is a pointless belief for me.

While Josh was gathering a list of schools to apply to, I was feeling a quarter-life “crisis”. There he was making plans and moving forward and I felt emotionally and spiritually stuck. This was when I thought, “What about Seminary?” I went to a private Christian & College Prep School for high school, the public school in my area had drug problems (in the way incredibly small towns have them anyway) and the quality of education was very low. I remembered loving my Bible courses and strongly wanting to take further classes in college. I was discouraged in college again though because it was not viable employment for a woman. I toyed around with the idea, looked at some online seminaries and a few options in Germany. I began to doubt myself again and didn’t pursue it further. Then entered into my life the most confusing person I would ever call a friend.

A friend of Josh had been dating a girl (let’s call her K) for some time, but she struggled with some mental illness and I hadn’t met her yet. After moving closer to them, eventually, I met her. K latched onto me quickly and he asked me if I could be her friend as she was trying to restart her life with better people. She had had very negative experiences with Christians in the past judging her and giving her problems. I knew that while I didn’t like many of her choices, I knew where they came from and since she was not a Christian I saw no reason why she would conform to my beliefs. So instead I prayed for K, prayed her life would get better, that she would see that she had other options and could overcome the circumstances that put her where she was in life. I did what I could to help her, but again, even though she knew I was a Christian I was shy about fully sharing my faith. I didn’t want her to feel like I was the Christians who judged her, or that our friendship could only continue if she became a Christian as well. To make a long story short, K’s relationship with our friend fell apart and she moved away very suddenly. I tried to maintain my friendship with her, but I didn’t know if I mostly reminded her of harder times and didn’t want her to feel pressured by me. So, I only occasionally messaged her to see how things were going for her. She seemed to have things improving. She had a new boyfriend, new friends, some good jobs when it all came to an end.

I was at work thinking about how I should message her, see how things were going with her new boyfriend, if she liked her jobs, etc. when I found out through a Facebook status she took her own life. I panicked, I cried, I felt all the elements of grief I had never felt before in such a strong way. I felt hopeless.

Everyone has their own reason for moving to a new country. There are several things that pointed me in this direction. The first thing I remember that started this desire was, back when the Syrian refugee crisis was getting covered more in the news I wanted to do something to help people who were having to flee their country. However, living in Missouri there really isn’t much interaction to be had with refugees and I wasn’t certain what I could do practically. My husband and I decided to give monthly to an organization that helped refugees. This was not enough for me, but it also felt like the most useful thing we could do at the time as college students. When I heard about all the refugees Germany was taking in I remember saying, “I wish we could just go to Germany and help. Since they seem to be doing all the work.” I meant it sincerely but never thought I would actually have the opportunity to actually do so.

The second thing that got us looking at Germany was the fact that my husband is an artist. He came across an article about Art Cities while looking at Graduate schools by Artsy. They, of course, covered New York and Los Angeles, but Berlin stuck out to us. It was the most affordable city we found that we liked. We dreamed a bit but still didn’t pursue it. It was only after some rejection letters and many reconsiderations that we decided it would be best to seriously consider studying abroad. For Josh (my husband) it was easy to know why this move was best for him. For me, I wasn’t as certain. I was struggling with so much after graduating. While I loved what I had studied I found that it was something that I lacked far too much talent in to adequately pursue. I was in the process of really trying to choose a job. I felt frustrated and gipped by the fact that I was so often discouraged from pursuing different things at a young age, that I felt as though I was behind my peers. I was fine with relocating because Josh had direction, he knew what he wanted and I just said, “Well, I can figure out what I want to do in Germany.” Thankfully, I began to figure out part of mine sooner though.

To give a loaded statement about myself, I’m a Christian. I grew up in a Christian household and embraced that faith early on when I was 5 years old. Looking back I am amazed at some of the beliefs I held. For me, my faith has been everything in my life. It has gotten me through the most difficult times of losing my father at 7, my grandma at 9 and many, many others. I have wanted since a young age to make my life more centered around my faith. As a child I had boldness. I related to St. Peter the most with his brashness, he moved forward blindly in belief. He reached out as a warrior and struck a mere servant at Jesus arrest due to his zealous love and nature. I was much the same. Through many circumstances, I lost this boldness. I became timid in my beliefs as I learned about hateful people who also claimed Christianity. I even shared beliefs with some of these hateful Christians, but I didn’t know how to show love and hold those beliefs with such hate. As a child I dreamed of becoming a missionary in a foreign land, as I grew older, I became intimidated, uncertain, and followed what others told me to do. How could I bring my faith back into my life? How could I become bold again?

I’m Lucy. A girl moving to Germany and trying to learn as she goes. I am married with two dogs (they are my babies!). I’m writing this to document my experiences as I prepare to move to Germany. I hope this will maybe help others that might be relocating to another country, and that this will help me keep my sanity through this process. Thanks for taking the time to read!

Travel makes one modest, you see what a tiny place you occupy in the world. — Gustave Flaubert