I had lost many people in my life before K, but this sensation was new to me. I had lost people in the past that I was close to, but they were Christians. They had faith and I knew this was not the end for them. I knew this was not final. There were even non-Christians I knew who had died, but I didn’t know them well, I felt little responsibility for their choices or how they ended up in that place in life. Practically, I knew I did the best I could at the time, but still, the question plagues, “Could I have done more? Could I have been better?” and the worst question of all, “Did I share my faith enough?” These questions plagued, but nothing could change the anger and confusion underneath the surface. K struggled in life, she had attempted to end her own life many times before and failed. So, here was the rawest and hurting question of all, “Why God did you let her succeed? Why now?” I felt as though a part of me had been cut out. How could I trust that God was good in this?

I maintained my faith, but it was maintained with confusion. Really, to explain how I was able to keep it can best be summed up with a song we had started singing at church just a few weeks before she ended her life. It was called “Do it Again” by Elevation Worship, “Your promise still stands Great is Your faithfulness, I’m still in Your hands This is my confidence, You never failed me yet”. I had to fall back on all the things Jesus had already done for me to get me through. This became my fuel. I wanted that boldness I once had. I never wanted to have to doubt my faith again. I needed to explore my faith in its depths. There was no longer going to be an excuse acceptable to me. I was going to be prepared to give an answer. And if I needed to go to another country, learn another language in order to fuel that depth and desire I was going to do it.

I grew up a Christian, but this faith is mine. I’m responsible for it now. I knew this but I had watched as my fire for it was continually snuffed out by very well-meaning people. Funnily enough, I have found that the greatest adversaries to the spread and acceptance of Christianity are Christians. There are of course extremists who spread hate, but there are even those who block the spread in more subtle ways. We discourage other Christians from going someplace because “it’s dangerous!”, “You have responsibilities here.”, “That isn’t a job.”, or many other statements. And we then treat those who don’t push through those things as just doing what God actually had planned for them. But I wonder if the reality is that we have stopped our own stated mission for selfish reasons. Because I heard the phrase many times, “There is no safer place than where God wants you to be.” I’m realizing this is a lie. It has made our priority and standard safety. If God wants me in a war zone then I have no right to be anywhere else. He died for me with a brutal and painful death. I must be prepared and have that much faith to truly call myself a Christian. Anything less than being that confident is a pointless belief for me.