While Josh was gathering a list of schools to apply to, I was feeling a quarter-life “crisis”. There he was making plans and moving forward and I felt emotionally and spiritually stuck. This was when I thought, “What about Seminary?” I went to a private Christian & College Prep School for high school, the public school in my area had drug problems (in the way incredibly small towns have them anyway) and the quality of education was very low. I remembered loving my Bible courses and strongly wanting to take further classes in college. I was discouraged in college again though because it was not viable employment for a woman. I toyed around with the idea, looked at some online seminaries and a few options in Germany. I began to doubt myself again and didn’t pursue it further. Then entered into my life the most confusing person I would ever call a friend.

A friend of Josh had been dating a girl (let’s call her K) for some time, but she struggled with some mental illness and I hadn’t met her yet. After moving closer to them, eventually, I met her. K latched onto me quickly and he asked me if I could be her friend as she was trying to restart her life with better people. She had had very negative experiences with Christians in the past judging her and giving her problems. I knew that while I didn’t like many of her choices, I knew where they came from and since she was not a Christian I saw no reason why she would conform to my beliefs. So instead I prayed for K, prayed her life would get better, that she would see that she had other options and could overcome the circumstances that put her where she was in life. I did what I could to help her, but again, even though she knew I was a Christian I was shy about fully sharing my faith. I didn’t want her to feel like I was the Christians who judged her, or that our friendship could only continue if she became a Christian as well. To make a long story short, K’s relationship with our friend fell apart and she moved away very suddenly. I tried to maintain my friendship with her, but I didn’t know if I mostly reminded her of harder times and didn’t want her to feel pressured by me. So, I only occasionally messaged her to see how things were going for her. She seemed to have things improving. She had a new boyfriend, new friends, some good jobs when it all came to an end.

I was at work thinking about how I should message her, see how things were going with her new boyfriend, if she liked her jobs, etc. when I found out through a Facebook status she took her own life. I panicked, I cried, I felt all the elements of grief I had never felt before in such a strong way. I felt hopeless.